Chaos Descending

#
     *
         +
              %
                   &
                        ^       Too many words,
                                    Really absurd.
                                      I feel like a nerd
                                       Spinning around.

                                         Inside and out
                                          I have no clout.
                                            What’s it about?
                                              Does anyone know?

                                               No I to be found.
                                                Just seem to be bound
                                                 By a sight and a sound
                                                  That’s meaningless.

                                                   “Dad, send some Help,
                                                     I’m swimming in kelp."
                                                      Like a puppy I yelp,
                                                        As chaos descends.


          (10 minute writing exercise by Janet Spiller, April 18th, 2012)

Poem - "Knowing Nothing"

KNOWING  NOTHING


Until I know my Self, I know nothing.
Who I am is part of God’s plan,
but I am caught by the thought which man has taught,
 making up stories to solidify my ego identity.


Until I know my Self, I know nothing.
What I think is part of my plan.  A plan
that delves into tales of self-indulgent hero-worship
telling me how wondrous I am as a body.


Until I know my Self, I know nothing.
Why I make up this dream with a blazing theme
to outwit God, is a crazy scheme
not to know my Self.


Until I know my Self, I know nothing.
Now I spend my day, whittling time away
to overcome death, because I’ve got to stay
and not know my Self.


Until I know my Self, I know nothing.
When I write this stuff, I realize that’s enough
of false ideas and insane fears.
I want to know my Self -
knowing everything.


( 10 minute writing exercise, May 13th, 2013 - by Janet Spiller)

UNFURLED

I’m overwhelmed with all their chatter. 

And all their words that don’t really matter. 

I’m under-whelmed with compassion for them. 

To survive without screaming, I’ll count up to ten. 

 I really don’t like me for writing this crap 

But I’ll do it anyway to see how I map

 A road out of these thoughts to reach higher fields

 Where flowers are blooming and nothing here yields

 To sinister feelings.

 I’m causing this world.

 The flag is unfurled

 Whose white says, “Surrender

 To thoughts that are tender. 

Take a step up the ladder

 From madder and sadder

 And join them in laughter

 And peace ever after.”

 (10 minute writing exercise 4/15/2013 by Janet Spiller)

THAT'S A RAP

I walked into a rap Not knowing what to do. This is quite a challenge For me and, yes, for you. We have to make a song And still we do not sing. We just speak fast and long Pretending we are king. I’m standing up in front And yapping about me And saying only junk Pretending I am free. What purpose does this give To one who isn’t here. It’s not the way to live Unless I’m full of fear. Yet joining is the key To leave this seeming place, So please come home with me And share our Father’s Grace. A Grace that doesn’t go Nor rap about a thing. A Grace that doesn’t know A rapper nor a King. For you’re His wondrous Son In silence and in peace. And knowing I’m the One, This non-sense now will cease. And that's a wrap. Janni Spiller 10/27/12

UNTIL

UNTIL Sing until the words mean nothing. Dance until all thoughts have gone. Shout until all rage has vanished. Write about it in your song. Read until you see an answer. Listen until you hear the Word. Christ has risen. You are wondrous. Anything else would be absurd. Cry until no tears are streaming. Laugh until your tummy’s sore. Give thanks until your gratitude’s beaming Us beyond forevermore. Joke until no jokes are laughed at. Kiss until you dream of love. Love until your empty dreaming Disappears into truth above. (10 minute writing exercise by Janet Spiller 4/8/2013)

I'm Going On Up stairs

When I’m feeling separate, I hate everyone. They’re all so happy, while I’m feeling glum. Shut up your face, man. I don’t want to hear All your cute stories. Let them disappear. I’m tired of the platitudes, the Course pitter-patter. I’m tired of the whole world, ‘cause it does not matter. You know all the lingo. You flail in the Light. Just leave me alone, man. I’m going to take flight. I’m done with the concepts. Don’t give me a book. I’m done with the movies, so don’t make me look. Why bother with people. Why bother with me. Just let it all go, man and let’s all be free. The time and the distance between this and that means nothing is happ’ning to make me re-act. So, I’ll be who I am. No one really cares. Doing nothing is my bliss. I’m going on up stairs. ( 10 minute writing exercise on 3/18/13 by Janni Spiller)

Giving It Up

It’s vaguely familiar this feeling of mine. That mixture of bravery you get from the wine. I guess I’d feel shaky if I went in fear. But I pray to my Father to make the way clear. You’ve got to be loving and give from your heart. You can’t be unhappy or nervous to start. Just pick up your bag. Walk quick and walk tall. You’ve got to be sprightly or you’re in for a fall. I’ve nursed blacks and Asians and folks very poor. I’ve been with dying babies and old ones galore. Forty years on this journey of sickness and sin. I’ve given it all up and now I begin. To see the illusion of hatred and death. A feeling familiar is freeing my breath And opening my heart and my mind to my Lord. I love Him forever. We’re in One accord. (10 minute writing exercise on 3/12/2013 by Janni Spiller)

JANNI'S POEM

Janni’s Poem With pure and noble heart I smile and bless and heal. I know we’re not apart For love is all I feel. Being intimate with God, Beloved as I am, Receiving one quick nod, He shows me I’m His lamb. Each precious child of love How beautiful you are. Abundance from above Shines from you like a star. Magnificent. Glorious. Christ. Now and forever. Amen. Janni Spiller 10/25/2011

War Rages On

War Rages On

I’m listing each grievance to see where I am.
I’ll spit it all out and not give a damn.
I’m mad at myself for being such a fool
For trusting that brother to follow my rule.

Abundance means giving with heartfelt ease,
forgiving yourself for the fearful freeze
that locks up your love - it never knows why,
but holds on to a dream ‘til the day that you die.

Dear Father, your help would be welcome today.
I’m attacking my brother just so I can stay
separate, adamant, striving to be
that pillar of strength that may set me free.

Yet everything crumbles - disaster reigns.
My body is ravaged with weakness and pains.
I can’t change brothers, I know that somehow
They’re a mirror of me and I’m guilty now.

I could keep on writing ‘til dawn arrives.
Please Jesus come and clear my eyes.
The splinter I see is reflecting me.
I think I am guilty in the first degree.

Remove all this poison, this acid, this crap.
Please wake me up with one really good slap.
“Stop delving in misery, in lack and loss,
or unfairly treated by your kin or your boss.”

I’m choosing my thoughts and making them real,
And suffering from thoughts. - Ye gads what a deal!
I’m turning it over to God instead.
Holy Spirit take over - I’m going to bed!

Janni Spiller
Revised, 8/26/2011

A breath of Light

A BREATH OF LIGHT

She’s dying and I don’t know what to say.
What do I fear?
What am I feeling?
Am I good enough?
What does she need to hear?
How can I release us both from this idea of death?

The sterile British hospital ward is filled with row after row of sad dying old women.
Dearest Mummy, so pale and frail, is ninety-three and already going into Cheyne-Stokes labored breathing . . . she’s is going soon.
I sit silently next to her . . . waiting for inspiration.
It comes.
She whispers, “Janni, will you take me home with you?”
I smile, “Mummy, you are already home in heaven with me now where you never left.”
Her eyes are so warm and loving as she takes one last look at me, then closes her eyes and lets her last breath evaporate into the room, filling it with a brilliant white light.

Janni
July, 2011

L - 301 "And God Himself shall wipe away all tears."

Lesson 301

"And God Himself shall wipe away all tears."



When I judge a brother/myself, I notice that time stops and congeals this image, the holy Son of God, into a body.

I immediately feel the pain of separation.

A pang of guilt seeps into my awareness.

My body takes a defensive position as I wait for the counter-attack.

It comes.

I'm amazed at my confusion.

What happened?

I've lost my Self.



Blast!

I don't know how to defend myself.

I want to run away.

Help! I'm feeling abandoned.

On second thought, it's all his fault.

I'm right. He's wrong.



I'm a teacher of God, so why am I feeling so miserable?

I start to cry.

I can't win.

I give up.

Help Holy Spirit.

I go within to silently listen for God's Voice.



"Teach only love for that is what you are."



I change my mind and say to my projection, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you for everything."

The answer comes, "There is nothing to forgive."

I smile as a finally understand.



"And God Himself shall wipe away all tears."

Janni

Your precious novel

"It was such a treat to read your precious novel, One Path Home. I was captivated and enthralled by it. Great one liners that were real zingers! Once I absorbed the message, I went into a light experience; a beautiful experience of forgiving myself. I would stop, apply the concept of choosing love over fear and a wonderful beam of light would envelop me. Awesome! I appreciate and love your book . . . a miraculous healing. Thank you!"

WESLEY

Grounded love
In earthly cloak
Swept in passion
By life's strong yoke

Surely footed
Through murky clay
Pressing forward
To meet his day.

Beyond veils of dusky clouds
He finds the truth all about.
Beyond the clanging of metal words
He hears the truth in the absurd.

This gentle dear with words of grace
Dost lull my heart with heaven's face.
Open your window and let Wesley in
And let creation's song begin.

I'll meet you there

There is a place in our hearts
where our realities join
and beliefs do not separate us.

Where our spirits dance with glee
exploring our possibilities
as we surrender our identity.

A place where we allow one another
to see our frustrations
hear our songs of joy
and taste the salt of our tears.

It is a warm safe place
where we tenderly hold one another
and let go of whatever holds us back.

There is a place in our hearts
where we intuitively touch the truth
I'll meet you there.

ABOVE ALL ELSE I WANT TO SEE

Above all else I want to see
Gods image of truth as He gave it to me,
To look on my world with such charity,
That love can set me free.

Behind every image that I have made,
The truth remains forever unchanged.
Behind every veil o'er the face of love,
My light remains undimmed.

Beyond insane thinking that I have wrought,
Is my will united with Gods.
Beyond separation and negative thought,
Is the knowledge of oneness with all.

My ego thoughts create the pain
Of illness, loss, aging and death.
Yet complete fullfillment and perfect peace
Are my own inheritance.

Love replaces fear
Laughter replaces tears
Abundance replaces loss
This is why we're here.

Above all else I want to see

GOD IN ME